A Letter from the End of the World

Dear Jesus Christ,

I heard from some very reliable sources that you plan to make an appearance sometime today and bring about the Rapture. I'm sure you'll be very busy calling up all the people chosen to ascend to heaven and filling out all of the necessary paperwork, but I hope to take a few moments of your time to thank you for all you've done.

First of all, thank you for writing the Bible. Your death at the end was absolutely wonderful and moved me to tears. I'm not so sure about the following resurrection scene, though. A little too much deus ex machina, I think, but the rest of the book made up for that. Except for the book of Job. I think it could use a rewrite. Eliphaz seemed to lack depth and could use more characterization. But that's just me. Otherwise, great book and I look forward to the sequel.

The announcement of the coming revelations also made me wish I paid more attention in my math classes. Although you said in your book that "no man (including yourself) knows the hour or the day of the end," a gentlemen from Oakland pinpointed the exact date when you're making your big comeback by adding numbers and dates I've never even heard of! Very clever, sir. I hope that you include cliff notes in your sequel for those who are not mathematically savvy.

I also want to thank you for ending the world on a Saturday. Everyone would have been too busy on weekdays to experience the rapture, so having judgement day on a weekend is convenient for everyone's schedules. One question, though: will there be a barbecue before the ascension? If so, I would love to go at least for the food. I heard you're a real wizard at the grill.

If there is no barbecue, though, then I would have to respectfully decline your invitation to ascend into heaven (if I am one of the lucky chosen). It's not that I don't appreciate all that you've done, but I don't believe I would do well in heaven because I'm not a good Catholic. I may have gone to Sunday school, but I'm afraid that the teacher's lessons were wasted on me. I have felt anger towards my fellow man, I have desired to sleep with women, and I have used your dad's name in vain numerous times.

Besides, Mark Twain, another reliable source of mine, once told me that there is no humor in heaven: "Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed." Twain also informed me that: "Singing hymns and waving palm branches through all eternity is pretty when you hear about it in the pulpit, but it's as poor a way to put in valuable time as a body could contrive." I think, then, I would prefer hell because, as Twain puts it, "heaven for climate, and hell for society." I'm sure heaven has very pleasant air conditioning and lovely music, but, being a social animal, I would prefer to share a drink or two with Mark Twain, Freddy Mercury, and, if I'm lucky, William Blake.

So in conclusion, I want to thank you again for all of your hard work and I wish you the best of luck with the end of the world. I apologize again for not joining you and please know that it's nothing personal.

Have a happy judgement day,
David R. Matteri